: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
