just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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