exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
