Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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