you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she peed on how many people?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
