thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
