Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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