On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
