my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
