I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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