Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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