I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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