why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
