i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
