I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
