god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
