Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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