I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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