how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
