This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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