Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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