i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
