Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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