Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
