if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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