Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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