My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
