I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
