you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
