I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
