Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
