I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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