you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
