I'm sorry my penis didn't work
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
