Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
