So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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