I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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