Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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