so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's shark week go big or go home
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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