Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
