I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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