Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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