my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
