are you still at the devil's house?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
