You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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