i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
