I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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