it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
