i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
