fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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