She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
