I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
