A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
